Things We Need to Stop Saying to Women Experiencing Infertility

Tags

infant loss, infertility, miscarriage, Pregnancy, secondary infertility

Unfortunately, infertility is often a taboo subject. Time to break my silence…

I first drafted this post over 4 years ago. It’s been revised at least a dozen times and set aside. It was almost deleted just as often. It’s personal. It’s not my usual blog topic. As if infertility isn’t hard enough, I didn’t feel like I could share my thoughts and feelings. While I’m not ready to share the complete details of our infertility story on the blogosphere, I wanted to share what thoughtless words people sometimes say. I know people don’t think they’re being hurtful, but that’s the problem. They don’t think before they speak. This is for my friends and all the women who unfortunately have a similar story to mine.

Things We Need to Stop Saying to Women Experiencing Infertility

THINGS WE NEED TO STOP SAYING TO WOMEN EXPERIENCING INFERTILITY:

When are you going to have a baby? Six years ago if it were up to me!

Have you tried… Yes, we’ve tried it all and more than you could ever imagine.

What’s the matter with you? Ew! I know what’s the matter with you! You’re just rude!

Why don’t you do IVF? Do you have $20,000 to give me? It doesn’t always work and some woman are morally opposed to it. Besides, I’m sick of feeling like a lab rat.

It took us forever, too! It’s supposed to make me feel better that it took you 7 months?! It’s been almost 7 years for us.

If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. Oh, hush it!

Relax and it’ll happen. Are you a fertility specialist? Infertility causes stress, not the other way around.

Have faith! Why do you think that I don’t? Faith has nothing to do with my body’s abilities.

Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. No, it doesn’t and everyone’s journey is different.

It must be you since he already had a kid. Nope. There are so many more factors than that…

It’ll happen. It may not. It probably will not…

Why don’t you just adopt? Once again, do you have $20,000 to give me? It doesn’t always work, adoption fall through. Trust me.

You’ll get pregnant after you adopt. See above…

You’ll get pregnant after you stop trying. Tried that too…

I’ll be your surrogate. Unless you’re my sister or BFF, this is just a creepy offer. Besides, if I had the extra $20,000 it would go to my IVF or adoption fund.

If he can’t get you knocked up, I’ll give it a shot. Just. Don’t. Ever. Say. That. Again. I’ve heard this over 20 times… Ew!

You don’t really want kids, think of all things you’ll have to give up. I would glady. I’m sorry that you feel like you’ve missed out on life.

If you really want kids, you can just have mine. Let’s run to the lawyer now to make that official.

Shouldn’t this be easier for you to deal with by now? No, some months are easier than others. We all heal and hurt differently. I’ve talked to older woman who experienced infertility. Once their friends started to become grandparents, the pain returned double-fold.

I didn’t tell you that I was pregnant because I thought the news might upset you. Please, revel in your blessing. I understand what a miracle it truly is. Finding out from someone else would hurt more.

THINGS WE NEED TO STOP SAYING TO WOMEN EXPERIENCING SECONDARY INFERTILITY:
At least you already have a kid. Stop. Yes, they know how special that blessing is, but it doesn’t mean the loss hurts any less.

WHAT WE NEED TO SAY TO WOMEN EXPERIENCING INFERTILITY:
I’m sorry that it’s been so difficult for you.

I’m here to listen.

What can I do to help?

Please stop judging, stop offering unsolicited advice, and think before you speak.

XOXO,
Young Wifey

 

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Guest Post: Pregnant with Breast Cancer

Tags

breast cancer, cancer, chemo, chemotherapy, IBC, motherhood, Pregnancy, pregnant, stage III, tamoxifen

Today’s youth has adopted the “you only live once” mentality. Too often, I hear young women respond to the thought of breast cancer with “Oh well, I’ll just chop off my boobs and get implants.” That thought process scares and saddens me. I know it’s something that no one wishes to experience, but downplaying it is invalidating someone else’s journey. 

This guest post is from a compassionate woman. Amy Robinson is a wife, mother, daughter, and sister. She went through a very difficult and emotional ordeal and proved to herself and others that she’s stronger than ever believed. I hope everyone learns something from her experience.

XOXO,
Young Wifey

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Pregnant with Breast Cancer
by: Amy Robinson

I was officially diagnosed with Stage III IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer) on April 17, 2012. IBC is a rare and very aggressive cancer. At the time of my diagnose, I was 37 years old and 19 weeks pregnant. I went to my doctor thinking that I had a breast infection because my breast was red, swollen, sore, itchy, and looked like I had welts.  Turns out these are the classic symptoms for IBC.

The weeks leading up to my start date of treatment were very stressful. I was scared of the unknown. I kept asking my doctors if I was going to live and the response I would receive is, “we are going to do the best we can for you.” I needed reassurance that I was going to live and this type of reassurance cannot be guaranteed.

One week prior to my chemotherapy beginning, I asked God for a sign that I was going to make it through this journey. I was with my mom and sister at Cracker Barrel browsing around in the gift shop when I came upon this mug that said “Good things are going happen.” On the back, was a bible verse from Jeremiah 29:11, “He has great plans for you.” I thought this is my sign but put the mug back thinking this was just luck that I stumbled across the mug. I continued to browse around the gift shop when I received an email from my Aunt in Florida saying here is your verse for today and lo and behold, it was Jeremiah 29:11. I knew this was my sign from God that I was going to be okay to just put my trust and faith in him and he would see me through this terrible storm.

May 4, 2012, my treatment began. I went through 5 rounds of chemotherapy while pregnant and continued to work. They say you will lose your hair 14-21 day after your first round of chemo which I was dreading. I did not want to lose my hair (as I had a few events coming up), and I also did not want to be in delivery wearing an uncomfortable wig. Day 14 came and went, day 21 came and went. I did not lose my hair until I delivered Elijah. Another prayer answered. At 36 weeks, my doctors decided that I should be induced to deliver Elijah because my cancer was not shrinking anymore. I was not responding as well to the chemo and Elijah had reached a point that it was safe to deliver him so that I could get back into harder chemotherapy.

Three weeks after delivery, I was back into my second round of chemotherapy. I had 4 more rounds of chemotherapy.  This round was not as friendly to me as the first round, but I got through it. I was so happy when this round was over. On December 10, 2013, I had a double mastectomy, and they began my reconstruction process at the same time. On December 17, 2012, I received a call from my surgeon and said the four magic words, “You Are Cancer Free.” I had been waiting to hear that for 8 months. I went through 33 rounds of radiation and will be on tamoxifen for 10 years.

Elijah is about to turn 1 and is an amazing little boy. You would never know that he was on the roller coaster ride with me.

Amy & Elijah

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Additional Information:
American Cancer Society Breast Cancer Index
BreastCancer.org
Mayo Clinic article on Breast Cancer
MedicineNet onhealth.com article on Breast Cancer

National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc.
National Cancer Institute (at the National Institutes of Health) on Breast Cancer

WebMD Breast Cancer Health Center